A little bit of hope
by icywind94
Summary: Sam thinks about his life and his relationships. Maybe he needs to be loved again, and not the way his brother could love him...Oneshot. Castiel/Sam PS: This is my first fanfic, so I will appreciate your comments!


Friend. Ally. Savior. Guardian angel. And friend, again. Sam Winchester didn't know how to call the angel that had just departed. Castiel was his big brother's guardian angel; an awkward guy, sometimes even scary soldier, but also a helpful and caring friend. Angels were not supposed to show affection or any other emotion, so Sam sometimes wondered whether Castiel actually cares about the people he saves, or it was all duty for him. But he knew Cas cared. Every time he saw the troubled look on his usually calm face, the shadow of horror in his bright blue eyes when one of the Winchesters was in trouble, Sam knew he cared. Even Metatron said that Castiel's greatest weakness was his love for humanity. And Sam admired his sincere desire to help humans, he really did. Except he wanted Castiel to feel something else, too.

It was not like Sam Winchester was inlove with an angel of the Lord; that was absurd. He just needed to feel again the warm, calming sensation he felt every time he saw Cas, and the relief his heart perceived every time the angel touched him. After so many fails with his relationships, Sam needed something that only the angel could give him. He wanted to be whole again, the same way he felt when he got his soul back. He wanted to experience again love, and not the kind of love his brother could give him, not the brother-to-brother relationship. He just wanted to be loved again, the same way Jess loved him. But this was so long ago that Sam Winchester wasn't quite sure he even knew how to love anymore. He remembered what it felt like and it was something he could never forget, but he wasn't sure if he could do it again. So many times he had his heart broken, so many times he wished he was the one dead, instead of his beloved ones... but that never happened. He was always the one to survive, to suffer the loss of everyone he ever cared about. So many times...That the most terrifying thing for him, Sam realized, was not the pain, but the numbness. He got used to being in pain and at one point, it became his normal condition. The pain became his addiction, the drug he used to shut his mind. He lost not only the love of his life in this war, but also his family and friends. After Jess, after his father, after Ruby, after Bobby, after so many important people in his life have died, he needed more and more pain to compensate the loss and to fill that hole in his heart that even his brother could not fulfill. Little by little, Sam, who always wanted a big happy family and normal life, turned into an emotionless, closed person. There was only one human being he could trust - his brother - and even so, there were some things he couldn't tell him. Sam had dark sides of his personality that he couldn't trust to show even Dean. However, there was someone who knew about those dark parts of him.

Castiel saw all of his sins and he didn't abandon him. He didn't turn his back on Sam, he didn't say that he was a causa perduta. He knew things Dean didn't, and even so, he still had faith in him. Maybe it was his endless love for humanity, or maybe it was something else, but Sam didn't want to think about this possibility because it scared him like no demon could ever do. He just knew that the angel's presence gave him something he thought he lost long ago - hope. Castiel reminded him of the warmth and comfort he felt with Jess, so peaceful and happy that he couldn't even bare with it. Sam was terrified of the flow of his thoughts, knowing that he will lost his mind if he continues, and tried to shut them out of his mind. But he couldn't, not anymore. The younger Winchester looked around just to be sure he's alone and after he confirmed that Dean is outside, he buried his head in his hands and whispered to himself:

"Cas..."

It was a silent prayer. His silent prayer. He wasn't even sure what he was praying about. Truth was, he didn't want Castiel to come because he knew he would lose his calm mask and probably brake down in front of him. Sam always tried to hide his emotions in front of the angel because he felt anxious around him and he wasn't sure what part of the whole truth to tell him. The younger Winchester always thought of himself as a "second care" when it came to Castiel because he is, after all, his brother's guardian. Moreover, Dean and Castiel shared a bond Sam could only dream to have. And he dreamt about it every night for the past few months, since he realized that he needed those piercing blue eyes. And maybe...just maybe, his feelings for the angel were something more than just friendly.

Sam looked at his watch and realized he was sitting there for two hours. Deciding it was time to stop acting like a girl, he shook his head, took a deep breath, and closed his eyes for a moment. He was just about to get up when he heard a noise from the kitchen. The younger brother jumped on his feet, took his knife, and approached the other room as silently as possible.

"I am here, Sam."

The deep calm voice came from behind Sam. He jumped again in surprise, almost losing his weapon.

"Cas! I didn't expect you!" Sam tried to sound normal, but he could hear his voice cracking.

"You said a prayer. I suppose this means I am needed?"

Sam felt the chills that climbed up his back. "Um...what exactly did you hear?"

"Everything. You said it out loud." Castiel's stone face bothered Sam more than the fact he said all this to the angel without knowing it.

"Uh...I guess...Look, forget it. I just had a bad day, you know? Don't worry about me. By the way, if you are searching for Dean, he's outside, but he will be back soon if you need him..." Sam tried to stop the nervous laugh that came out of his lips, but couldn't. 'Dude, you sound like an idiot, calm yourself. It's only Cas.', he thought to himself. But he knew he couldn't. After all the thoughts that came to his mind a few minutes ago, he couldn't look at Castiel without getting a strange sensation - something between desire and fear.

"You are nervous." Cas didn't mean to make fun of the young man, he was just stating the facts. He was curious (even though curiosity wasn't tolerated in Heaven) why the younger Winchester was acting so weird. He wanted to talk to Cas, right? That's why he said a prayer; That's what people do when they need help, correct? At least that's what he knew. He had heard similar prayers many times, with the same uncertain whisper, but he couldn't answer them because this wasn't his job. He was a soldier back then.

But this time it was different. The Winchesters were assigned directly to him, so he needed to answer their wishes and requests. At first it was only a duty for him, but with time he grew fond of the two brothers. He learned a lot about the human world from them, but there were still many things he could hardly understand, like human feelings. They seemed too complicated for the angel and he found it hard to distinguish the differences between love, confusion, sadness and loneliness. That's why Castiel couldn't really understand why Sam Winchester acted so strange lately. Not until he heard his confession.

Castiel reached for the hand of the younger Winchester, who seemed not only surprised, but also scared. As Sam's eyes carefully observed the angel's actions, Cas took his hand into his, and, for the first time in forever, smiled. "It is okay, Sam. You are not a "second care", you never were. I will not leave you."

And Sam believed him. With all his heart, he believed.


End file.
